Bring Me the Head of Tilikum the Killer Whale

A horrible tragedy occurred in Orlando, Florida this past week when a veteran SeaWorld trainer was dragged off a platform and killed by a six-ton killer whale. Dawn Brancheau was drowned by the whale, named Tilikum, when it grabbed the 40 year-old trainer by her long ponytail and then charged back and forth through the tank with the woman in its jaws. Astonishingly, it marked the third time the animal had been involved in a human death.

Now, this is a horrible event, sadly witnessed by many visitors to the park; but I have one question about it, specifically about one of the comments made after the incident. The victim’s older sister, Diane Gross, went on record as saying that Brancheau wouldn't want anything done to the whale because of her love for the animals.

Really? And how, exactly, does she know this for sure? I’ve done it myself, I guess…but I really have to wonder sometimes about our overwhelming need to speak for the dead like this. That’s one hell of an assumption to make, really, and I would argue that it’s made more to appease and pacify the living than for any other reason. Somehow I doubt that this woman’s last thoughts – as she was being simultaneously crushed and drowned in the killer whale’s toothy maw – were about the animal’s welfare.

So okay…perhaps Dawn Brancheau would – like Roy after he was mauled by one of his tigers – cry out from the grave “don’t hurt the whale” if she could. But, considering that this is the third human death Tilikum has been associated with, maybe not. I mean, come on…if Tilikum was a person, he would be classified as a serial killer by now.

But if it was me…I say three strikes and you’re out. Sorry Tilikum, but you’ve been a very bad marine mammal and it’s time you paid the price for your misdeeds…

So, note to anyone reading this: I love animals, but if one ever eats me or otherwise causes my death, I don’t want to hear any of this, “Scooter wouldn’t want the poor critter harmed” crap.

That’s simply bullshit.

I want the “poor critter” that has caused my demise shot, stuffed, and its head mounted on my tombstone.

The only exception I can think of is that if I die of natural causes and my four cats are trapped in the house with my festering corpse for an extended period before help arrives, they have my permission to use my body as an emergency food supply. But other than that, I say it’s an eye for an eye.

Who knows? Perhaps it will act as a deterrent to future incidents. If the animal kingdom’s various predators know that we’re not going to put up with their bad behavior, they might think twice before going on another murder spree...